That’s right. It’s all there in the headline. $425. For these shorts. Acronym out of Germany made these things to stand up to the elements and then some. They’re designed with some fancy fabric which makes them bulletproof*, windproof, water repellant, and breathable (*not really bulletproof). Way I see it, I spend money on some ridiculous things, but for $425, these shorts should not only be breathable, they should be breathING and be able to walk off my legs and get me something from the kitchen while I’m watching hockey playoff games.

Oh, they also have nine pockets. Nine of ‘em. I think the only way I’d need nine pockets is if I had to carry $425 in ones in order to pay for these, so I’m not sure what you’ll need them for, but hopefully one of them contains a $400 gift card to Uniqlo. As a friendly service from The Evil Collector, I am going to suggest some better ways to spend that kind of scratch no matter your reason for considering these shorts.

So you really need something absurdly expensive and you’re saying to yourself, you know I really DO need the kind of storage space that only nine pockets on my shorts can afford me. I get it, I mean, you’re an idiot, but I get that about you. See how close we are already? Allow me friend, to point you in the direction of this equally ridiculous but at least more recognizable tote bag from Gucci. Now you can carry your library books and organic sack lunch in impeccable style and relegate your wallet to one of only four pockets on your jeans. No word on just how wind resistant the bag is, so buyer beware. On the upside, this is about $40 cheaper than those shorts, so treat yourself! Hit up Outback Steakhouse and get an appetizer AND dessert! You earned it you smart shopper, you.

Now you want to keep your legs warm? Well shorts are your first mistake. Pants keep you warm. Don’t let that cuff fool you though, these Carhartt workpants are not, repeat not, selvedge. No, no, they’re lined with that other popular material these days - flannel! I know what you’re thinking, how will rugged workwear last as long as weirdo lightweight laboratory experiment shorts? Fear not! At the low, low price of only $55, you can get like eight pairs with the same money you’d spend on Acronym more-expensive-than-your-board-shorts. And if you’re worried about friends and family mocking your choice in brands, just remind them Carhartt is “big in Europe”. Like David Hasselhoff!

Now maybe you’re just a big fan of Germany. And any fan of Germany knows that sausage reigns supreme there. So, why show your love with a pair of plain black shorts when you can hop a flight to Chicago and hit up one of the best encased meats stores in existence - Hot Doug’s. This place is no mere footlong stand. No, no, this place serves up specials like Smoked Debreziner with Bacon-Garlic Mayonnaise and Harlech Horseradish Cheese. Do you even know what Debreziner is?! No seriously, because I don’t. But with at least $200 to spend after your travel costs, I’m sure you’ll become quite familiar with the menu.

Or you can just do what any sensible person would do and go grab a pair of Dickie’s, down a burrito, catch a movie, maybe grab some drinks afterward. Then take whatever’s left over and put it on the Washington Capitals to win the Stanley Cup.

That way when they win, you can buy two pair of those shorts.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 10th, 2008 at 2:15 am and is filed under Clothing, WTF?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.